


Just One More

by ChickenXD



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Alternate Universe - Bar/Pub, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-16 17:05:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5833582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickenXD/pseuds/ChickenXD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s been a while,” Isa said with a smile, “Did you come here to see me?”<br/>Ryuuji remained silent.<br/>Isa gazed at him for a while, waiting for an answer –<br/>“...perhaps.”</p><p>“Perhaps?”<br/>Isa turned to Ryuuji with a smile.<br/>“Nobody had ever come to see me twice.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was his eyes.

The purple eyes, gazing longingly at him, as if seeking, yearning for something.

 

“What’s your name?”

“Kawara Ryuuji.”

The young man with purple eyes stared at him again – 

“I’m Isa.”

 

Isa slowly inhaled his cigarette, before taking it out and puffed the smoke at Ryuuji’s face. Ryuuji immediately held his breath and shook his head, trying his best to avoid it. 

“Kawara Ryuuji,” Isa repeated, nodding to himself. “I feel like I’ve heard about you somewhere before.”

“Have you really?”

Isa smiled, “Perhaps. Why don’t you buy me a drink?”

“Hmm…” Ryuuji turned to his own drink – gin and tonic, strong and simple. 

Isa continued smoking, puffing the smoke wherever he wanted. 

He had that look about him – that if he wants anything, he would make sure he gets it, and that he would make sure everyone obeys him. And yet it felt like he, too, was distancing himself from the people around him – 

– no. 

It was his solemn, clear purple eyes that set him apart. 

 

“Fine. What do you want to drink?”

“I don’t know,” Isa replied, yet those eyes were scanning the bottles behind the bar – “Choose for me, Ryuuji.”

The way Isa had said it sounded… inviting. But why would Isa trust him to choose? He could’ve been a creep, trying to get Isa drunk – 

“Mimosa?”

“I’ll take anything.”

Ryuuji turned to the bartender – “One mimosa, please.”

 

Isa looked pretty young – Ryuuji would guess about twenty years old, no older than twenty-three. 

He had short, unkempt brown hair, and thick, red-framed glasses – still, Ryuuji could see those beautiful eyes clearly. He was somewhat skinny, and judging by the clothes he was wearing – a purple button-up shirt and dress pants – it was quite apparent he was quite refined. Ryuuji would usually expect someone looking like this sitting in a college seminar, not in a shady bar like this. 

 

The bartender came over and placed the glass in front of Isa. Isa looked at it for a while, pondering, before he took the cherry garnish and popped it into his mouth. 

Ryuuji sipped some more of his drink in silence, before Isa suddenly tugged his tie and leaned over to kiss him. 

It was a short kiss, as Ryuuji had no time to revel in it – but Isa felt warm, sweet yet bitter against his lips. Must be the aftertaste of the cherry and the cigarette. 

“I like your eyes,” Isa whispered as he pulled away, “They’re really bright red and beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

 

Funny, isn’t it – that they were thinking the same thing about each other. 

Isa sipped some of the drink Ryuuji got him while smoking. Ryuuji, too, continued drinking while occasionally glancing at the TV – it was tuned to some soccer game. 

 

“You’re funny, Ryuuji.”

Isa put out his cigarette on the ashtray, pressing it down firmly until some of the tobacco crumbled. It continued to emit a bit of smoke, which diffuses to the air –

“Why so?”

“You just met me for like, fifteen minutes, and you so easily told me your real name.”

“Well.” Ryuuji smiled as he turned to Isa, “My job sort of makes that a habit.”

“What do you work as?”

“A doctor.”

Isa slowly nodded as he looked away – “Gotta be honest to the patients, huh?”

“Well, why don’t you tell me your real name, too?”

Isa chuckled, “No way. I’m not that careless.”

“So you say, but you let me buy you a drink anyway,” Ryuuji said, “If it had been anyone else, they could’ve slipped something in, you know?”

“I know,” Isa replied readily, “And that would’ve been fine by me. I was just looking for a good fuck.

“But you…”

Isa turned to Ryuuji, placing a hand on his thigh. He could feel Ryuuji tense up a little upon contact – he somehow found that somewhat endearing. 

“You’ll do,” Isa said with a smile – “Let’s find a room.”

 

Ryuuji would normally refuse and leave at this point.

It was perhaps the effect of the alcohol, or perhaps it was because of Isa. 

His alluring, beautiful purple eyes looked as if they said, “Come and get me.”

 

Isa led him to one of the rooms upstairs, locked the door behind them, and pulled him into a harsh, hungry kiss. It felt almost as if Isa was too eager, impatient. 

Isa pushed Ryuuji down on the bed, and quickly unbuttoned his shirt, running his hand up Ryuuji’s bare chest.

“Do you do this a lot?”

“Depends on your criteria of ‘a lot’,” Isa replied while taking off his own shirt, “Don’t worry. I choose my men very carefully.”

Before Ryuuji could ask anything more, Isa had leaned over and kissed him again. Ryuuji placed his hands around Isa’s hips, holding him on his lap.

“Are you married, Ryuuji?”

Ryuuji shook his head, “Why?”

“Just wondering how long I can keep you.”

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

“It’s you again.”

Isa blew some smoke into Ryuuji’s face – unlike last time, though, Ryuuji didn’t try to evade it, only kept looking at Isa calmly. 

 

“It’s been a while,” Isa said with a smile, “Did you come here to see me?”

Ryuuji remained silent. 

Isa gazed at him for a while, waiting for an answer – 

His purple eyes were as beautiful as before, only now Ryuuji could see there was some kind of loneliness hidden in its hues. Perhaps that was why Ryuuji was so drawn to it in the first place –

“...perhaps.”

 

When Ryuuji had come into the bar today, he was greeted by the sight of a very nicely-dressed businessman chatting with Isa. 

“You know, if you like,” the man said, “I can get you a drink.”

He was rather old – Ryuuji would guess around forty – and Ryuuji couldn’t help but notice that something’s odd in the way he looked at Isa. 

“That’s a nice offer,” Isa had told him, “But I think I’ve had enough tonight. I have to drive myself home, too – I still want to live a bit longer, you see.”

“Well, why don’t I buy you a drink…” The man puts a hand on Isa’s thigh and slid it up – “And drive you home as well, how does that sound?”

Somehow, watching them talking casually like that – Ryuuji could feel blood rush to his head. 

He couldn’t explain why he’d felt so angry. Not that Isa was someone he knew particularly well or anything – they’d been in the same room together for a few hours, that’s all –

But watching their conversation was making him sick. 

 

“Excuse me.”

Ryuuji nudged into the space between Isa and the other man, signaling to the bartender –

“I’d like a gin tonic, please.”

 

At least that did stop their conversation. 

Ryuuji could feel the other man staring at him, irritated – but not like he could do anything. 

Isa glanced at Ryuuji for a second, and then smiled discreetly while inhaling more of his cigarette. 

The bartender came over with the glass of drink Ryuuji had ordered. He took it and backed away to a table in the dark corner –

The drink he was sipping was ice cold, but as he watched their conversation continue, it felt like someone had set his heart on fire. 

 

“Perhaps?”

Isa turned to Ryuuji with a smile. 

“Nobody had ever come to see me twice.”

 

Isa and Ryuuji were sitting in the dark corner now. 

The other man had left, but only after Isa growled “Fuck off” at him. 

“You know,” Isa put out his cigarette, “There are dicks like that sometimes. It’s alright.”

Ryuuji didn’t say anything as Isa pulled out another cigarette, and a lighter. Ryuuji quickly grabbed the lighter from Isa’s hand –

“Hey, Ryuuji, what are you –”

But Ryuuji then flicked the fire on. 

Isa couldn’t help but smile upon that gesture. He leaned down, letting the fire touch the tip of his cigarette, and pulled away once there was smoke coming out of it. 

“I thought you were going to stop me for a second.”

“Why would I?” Ryuuji asked as he gave the lighter back, “Who am I to stop you?”

 

A few seconds later, Isa pulled out the cigarette from his mouth, and pulled Ryuuji into a kiss. 

Ryuuji could taste some of the hot, bitter smoke diffuse into his lungs – he tried to hold it in, but it started getting too uncomfortable and he pulled away – some smoke lingered between their lips. 

Isa blew away the rest of the smoke that was still in his mouth, while Ryuuji tried coughing out those stuck in his throat. Isa then tugged on Ryuuji’s tie and kissed him again – he could faintly taste the smoke in Ryuuji’s mouth – 

 

“I like it when my men are possessive.”

Isa rested his head on Ryuuji’s chest and looked up into his bright, red eyes. 

So beautiful – like shiny, precious rubies. 

“What do you mean?”

“The way you looked at that geezer,” Isa replied, reaching a hand to touch Ryuuji’s cheek – “You looked like you wanted to kill him.”

 

“Did I?”

Sure, Ryuuji was angry – but angry enough to kill the man? He would hope not. 

But why would Ryuuji even be angry? 

So what if Isa had decided to take on the other man’s offer – it would be his own decision, and Ryuuji had nothing to do with it. 

 

“I miss you, Ryuuji.”

“Oh, come on,” Ryuuji sighed, running his hand through Isa’s hair, “You probably had a few men come over.”

“You’re not wrong about that,” Isa replied, “But… I still miss you.”

“Me, or my dick?”

Ryuuji was somehow surprised to see Isa seriously try to think of an answer. Those purple eyes were darker now, solemn –

“...you,” Isa finally decided, “I don’t know why.”

 

Honestly, Ryuuji doesn’t understand either –

What had made him engage in this relationship with Isa, and what had kept him coming back for more.

Certainly wasn’t the alcohol, since Ryuuji was very sober when he decided to come to the bar again. 

Could it be because of those eyes, or something else?

 

“Buy me a drink, Ryuuji.”

“Didn’t you say you have to drive home?”

Isa chuckled, “Oh, Ryuuji, that was just a shitty excuse.”

“You don’t like that old man very much either, do you?”

“Well, normally I would have gone with him.” 

 

Hearing Isa say these words somehow made that feeling rise again, in Ryuuji’s chest. 

Why? 

Was it the fear that Isa could be taken away by another man, or was it just pure jealousy – possessiveness – that he wanted to keep Isa for himself?

 

“I mean, considering you’re the first man to ever come to see me twice, it wouldn’t have mattered to me what kind of guy he is.”

“You shouldn’t do that.”

“And why exactly is that, Mr. Kawara Ryuuji?

 

“Is it because somewhere deep in your heart, perhaps – you too, feel something for me?”

 

Ryuuji found himself unable to say anything, under the longing gaze of those purple eyes –

As if he was spellbound, enchanted. 

 

Isa chuckled as he stood up, taking Ryuuji’s hand. 

Ryuuji could only follow him quietly, like a blind man being guided across the road. 

“You know how to dance, don’t you?”

Isa slid his hands up Ryuuji’s chest, and then squeezed his shoulder. Ryuuji, too, circled a hand around Isa’s waist – 

“Not really.”

“Oh, such an old man.” Isa pressed a kiss to Ryuuji’s cheek, “Well, go buy me a drink then.”

 

“Two whisky with ice, please.”

Ryuuji sat down and turned to watch Isa on the dance floor. He was dancing with a young man with light blue hair – seems like they’d known each other for a while, since Isa was talking with him. Ryuuji still didn’t like the way that young man so casually eyed Isa’s ass, though – 

Well, it was kind of hard not to look, with the way Isa was rocking his hips.

Isa seemed to be enjoying himself, though – letting himself be lost in the rhythm, riding high on the excitement —

 

“Well?”

The music ended a few minutes later, and some cheers could be heard. Isa walked back towards Ryuuji, kissed him on the cheek, and took one of the glasses on the table – 

Isa’s breathing was slightly more erratic, and his body was slightly warmer than before. 

“That’s mine.”

“Who cares?” Isa asked, “Don’t order the same exact thing if you don’t want me to mistake the drinks.”

Isa had sipped some of the whisky before Ryuuji could say anything else. Ryuuji could only sigh as he took the other glass – the one that was supposed to be Isa’s – and started drinking as well. 

“...you’re funny.”

Ryuuji once again found himself to be the focus of Isa’s gaze. Isa was smiling – mischievous, charming, yet enthralled.

“You mean?”

“I took your drink just in case you spiked mine,” Isa replied before drinking some more, “But I guess you’re not that kind of person...

“That’s nice to know.”

 

“I think you should go home, Isa.”

“Hmm?”

Isa sleepily looked up at Ryuuji, and then smiled and buried his head deeper into Ryuuji’s chest. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes half-lidded – 

– Isa looked comfortable, snuggling with him in the dark like this. 

“I don’t want to.”

“You’re drunk,” Ryuuji said, still playing with Isa’s hair, “I’ll call you a cab, yeah?”

“I don’t want to go home,” Isa whined, “Come on, we haven’t even fucked yet.”

“I’ll come again,” Ryuuji said, “And then you can keep me all night. How does that sound?”

Isa reached out his hand to grab the remaining of his drink, but Ryuuji grabbed his hand before he could get it. Isa let out a soft whining noise – 

“Can I at least smoke?”

Ryuuji didn’t reply – he took out the box of cigarettes from Isa’s pocket, along with the lighter, and stuck a cigarette in Isa’s mouth. 

“Thanks,” Isa mumbled as Ryuuji lit it. 

“Why don’t you want to go home?” Ryuuji asked, “You live alone, don’t you?”

“I want to stay here with you,” Isa mumbled, “It’s… nice and warm.

“Just… five more minutes, alright, Ryuuji?”

Ryuuji didn’t complain as Isa put the cigarette down on the ashtray, and threw his arms across Ryuuji’s waist. He held Ryuuji closer and buried his face deeper into his chest – 

 

“...you’re doing strange things to me, Kawara Ryuuji.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve… never felt like this about someone before. I let someone fuck me for one night, and it usually stops there. Even if they come here again, they won’t seek me out, so I don’t seek them out, either.

“But you… you’re different. 

“You’re a funny guy, you know that?”

 

“Alright, it’s been half an hour.”

Isa was silent this time. 

Ryuuji gently ran his hand through Isa’s hair – he could tell from the rise and fall of Isa’s chest that he had fallen asleep. 

“Isa?”

Isa mumbled something incoherent as he held onto Ryuuji tighter. 


	3. Chapter 3

“Give me a coke.”

Ryuuji sat down next to Isa, who was drinking a glass of… some colorless liquid with ice. 

“What’s that?”

“Gin and tonic,” Isa replied while picking up his cigarette – “I just wanted to try it.”

Ryuuji couldn’t help but wonder if it was because he was always drinking gin and tonic – he decided not to ask. 

Isa inhaled his cigarette deeply, then blew the smoke at Ryuuji’s face – Ryuuji didn’t flinch at all. 

It had become their informal greeting – like a sign that the night had begun. 

 

“Why aren’t you drinking?” Isa asked, “You going somewhere?”

“Home,” Ryuuji replied, “Preferably with you.”

Ryuuji noticed a glimmer of interest in Isa’s purple eyes. 

Ahh, how beautiful it was – like a spark of fireworks. 

 

The last time they had met, Isa had gotten drunk enough to fall asleep on Ryuuji. 

The bartender came to their table later in the night, and he, along with Ryuuji, had carried Isa to one of the room upstairs. 

 

“It happens,” the bartender had told Ryuuji then, “But he’s a regular. Usually when he’s drunk, he just gets up here with whoever he’s with, do their thing, and doesn’t leave till morning.”

“I see.”

Ryuuji can’t understand why, but what the bartender told him did make him a bit concerned. 

“Actually, you know what?”

The bartender leaned forward, his eyes suddenly full of suspicion. 

“You haven’t been drugging him or anything, right, sir?”

“No, not at all.”

That was the second time he got the question that night – Isa had asked it the first time. 

“He’s been acting weird since he met you,” the bartender said, continuing to wipe his glasses – “Who knows. He is fucking less random strangers though, so maybe it isn’t all bad.”

 

“Going home with you?”

Isa chuckled as he placed his hand on Ryuuji’s – the feeling of Isa’s hand on his was foreign, curious – yet Ryuuji felt something within him stir. 

“Why should I?” Isa asked – his tone was still affectionate, but something strange had emerged in his eyes – Ryuuji couldn’t quite place his finger on it. 

“You don’t have to,” Ryuuji said, “It’s just an offer.”

“No, I want to know.” Isa smiled playfully, “Why, Ryuuji? You can always just fuck me upstairs.”

 

Now that Isa was asking, Ryuuji realized that he never had a reason. 

Somehow, the thought just appeared at the back of his mind –

“I want to take Isa home tonight.”

No reason – perhaps, just impulsive thinking. 

 

Isa chuckled lightly upon noticing the confusion on Ryuuji’s eyes. 

“You’re really funny,” Isa remarked – “We met twice, fucked once, you know nothing about me except that I am “Isa”, and you decide to take me to your house?”

Now the way Isa had put it certainly made it sound rather suspicious – but there was nothing Ryuuji could correct either. It was all just as Isa had said. 

Isa put out his cigarette on the ashtray, pressing it hard so the tobacco crumbled out. 

“I’ve been to worse places, I guess,” Isa said calmly – “Where’s your house?”

~•~

Isa walked into the apartment, curiously looking around. Ryuuji locked the door behind him, before taking off his shoes and joining Isa. 

“It’s quite big for someone who lives alone,” Isa remarked. “You have a lot of guests?”

Ryuuji walked over to the kitchen, and took a bottle off the shelves. “Want something to drink?”

“Oh yeah, now that I’m in your house, I don’t have to worry about getting drunk, huh?” 

Isa sat down on the sofa while looking around the house – it wasn’t the most luxurious or tidiest Isa had seen, but somehow he’d expected something like this from Ryuuji, too.

“Can I smoke?”

“I don’t see a reason you can’t.”

Ryuuji came over, holding two glasses of amber-colored liquid. Isa took out his box of cigarette and the lighter. Ryuuji took the lighter, and lit the cigarette for Isa. 

 

Isa pointed at the glass. 

“What’s that? Too many drinks look like that.”

“Scotch.”

Isa took one of the glasses and swirled it, watching the movement of the liquid, before bringing it into his mouth. 

 

“Why do you trust me so much, Ryuuji?”

“Hmm.” Ryuuji wrapped an arm around Isa’s waist, “Why not?”

“Because you know nothing about me,” Isa replied, “Aren’t you scared that I might steal something?”

“Well, I’m not now,” Ryuuji replied, “If you’d actually do it, you wouldn’t warn me.”

Isa fell silent upon hearing that – Ryuuji had a point. 

 

“What do you see in me, Ryuuji?” 

Isa had comfortably rested his head in Ryuuji’s lap now – Ryuuji was petting his hair lovingly. 

“...what do you mean?” 

“Exactly as it sounds.”

“I like you,” Ryuuji said, “That’s all there is to it.”

Isa looked up at him – his eyes looked different now – as if they were tired, clouded, desperate.

 

“That’s it?” 

Isa’s tone was different when asking that question.

He usually sounds playful, confident, but – 

 

Isa slowly got up, cupping Ryuuji’s cheeks with his hands. 

“Ryuuji,” he whispered, “Ryuuji…”

“Yes, darling?”

 

Isa looked like he was about to say something else, but – 

A few seconds later, Ryuuji felt that Isa was biting his lower lip. Ryuuji pulled away, before pulling Isa into his arms and placing a rough kiss on his lips. 

Isa kissed back, equally hungry and eager. His breath was somewhat erratic, and he pushed his tongue into Ryuuji eagerly, as if trying to push it down his throat. 

They broke the kiss a few seconds later, both gasping for breath. 

 

“Ryuuji,” Isa muttered, placing a hand on Ryuuji’s chest, “Call me darling again. I love it.”

“Alright,” Ryuuji whispered, “My darling.”

Isa gasped, feeling Ryuuji’s hand on his ass. Ryuuji pushed him to the wall, and made a quick work of unbuttoning his shirt. 

 

Perhaps it was because of the alcohol, or perhaps it was because of something else. 

 

Isa didn’t say anything as Ryuuji pushed him down to the bed and climbed on top of him.

“You’re beautiful,” Ryuuji breathed, sliding his hand up Isa’s chest – “So perfect.”

His bright eyes were fiery, hungry – he looked as if he was intent on hurting Isa so bad, intent on ruining him. 

So beautiful – so intense.

 

Isa reached out his hand, gently caressing Ryuuji’s face. 

“Come at me, Kawara Ryuuji,” he whispered, “Make me yours, and yours alone.”

  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

It was his eyes. 

The fire in this eyes burnt brightly like a forest fire in the night. 

Isa always felt vulnerable under that gaze – as if Ryuuji could come at him anytime and rip him apart, ruin him so beautifully – 

Sometimes Isa couldn’t help but fear he would one day be unraveled by those eyes, by Ryuuji – 

And even then, perhaps Isa would always kept coming back for more. 

~•~

When Isa woke up the next morning, he immediately noticed two things – 

First was that he was sleeping somewhere he’d never been in, and second was that his head hurt like hell. Not like the hangover kind of headache, luckily.

 

The air around him smelt rather sweet, and yet it felt stuffy. 

He could faintly remember what happened last night – Ryuuji had brought him to his apartment, then they had a few drinks and fucked. 

 

“You’re awake?”

Ryuuji walked into the room, a mug of coffee in hand. He sat on the bed next to Isa, and handed him the mug. 

Obviously, Ryuuji had showered – his hair was still slightly damp, and he’d changed into something rather professional looking – a wine red shirt and black pants. 

“Slept well, darling?”

“Of course.”

Isa placed a kiss on Ryuuji’s cheek – he still smelt faintly of soap and cologne. 

 

“How about I drive you home?”

“That’s a wonderful offer,” Isa said, “But I would rather you not.”

Ryuuji took out a striped blue tie from his drawer, and started to tie it – however, Isa had taken it away, and started to tie it for him instead.

“Why not?”

“I have my reasons.

“I can go home myself,” Isa said, “You can go to work. Don’t worry about it.”

Isa finished tying the tie into a perfect windsor knot, and kissed Ryuuji on the forehead. 

Ryuuji was gazing at Isa – he couldn’t quite tell what expression it is Ryuuji had in his eyes – 

The closest one Isa could name is, perhaps, loneliness. 

 

Isa gently ran his hand through Ryuuji’s hair.

“What is it?”

“Will I ever know about you?” Ryuuji asked – “Other than that you are ‘Isa’?”

 

Isa felt his heart sink as Ryuuji left the room.

 

Feels quite strange to be alone in somebody else’s house. 

Isa lit a cigarette, then sat on the couch. He was wearing one if Ryuuji’s shirts, and no pants. Whatever – he already showered anyway. 

Ryuuji had made him some waffles, but for some reason, Isa didn’t feel hungry. Perhaps because he was disgusted –

Disgusted with himself, that is. 

 

“I’m not worth it.”

 

Isa was looking at himself in the mirror. 

He gently touched his lips with his fingers, and then it trails down to his chest, to his arms, to his abdomen. 

“You’re beautiful,” Ryuuji had told him last night, but Isa saw none of that. 

Standing in front of the mirror was a lonely, broken young man. 

 

“I don’t deserve any of this.”

 

~•~

“He hasn’t been here for a while. A few weeks now, maybe.”

Ryuuji slowly sipped his gin and tonic while the bartender poured some beer into a glass. 

“Any idea where he might be?”

The bartender shook his head. He could tell that Ryuuji was concerned – 

“Come on now, this isn’t the only bar in town,” he sighed, “Maybe he just went somewhere else and found better men to fuck.”

“...maybe.”

“But what about him?” he asked, “Did you guys have a fight or something?”

“Not really,” Ryuuji replied, “The last time I saw him was the morning after we had sex, and I haven’t seen him since.”

“You have his number?”

“...I don’t even know his name.”

 

It had been two months since Ryuuji last seen Isa now. 

The week after Ryuuji brought him home, Ryuuji had come to the bar, expecting Isa to sit on the counter, smoking as usual –

But he wasn’t there. 

He wasn’t there the next time Ryuuji went there either, or after that. 

Like the smoke of a cigarette, Isa had vanished into thin air. 

 

“Poor Mr. Kawara,” the bartender said with a sigh. “You know, why don’t you try someone else?”

The bartender pointed at a young man sitting near the TV – he had dark hair, and was wearing a red scarf. 

“What about that one?” the bartender asked, “He’s also got dark hair, and I’m pretty sure they’re around the same height.”

 

The night felt colder as Ryuuji walked out of the bar that night.

It was autumn, so perhaps the air was starting to get cold, but… something about the air around him felt strange. 

 

“Isa.

“My darling.”

 

As if just by saying that, Isa would suddenly reappear in front of him –

 

Perhaps, we don’t realize those who are dear to us until they disappear.

  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

“I’m sorry. Did I make you worry?”

Ryuuji didn’t say anything – to say that he wasn’t worried would be a lie, after all.

Isa inhaled his cigarette calmly, and blew the smoke towards Ryuuji, as always. 

 

Isa seemed slightly different now. 

His hair was longer – long enough that he could tie it with a ribbon. 

Everything else remained the same – except for his eyes. 

 

“Are you…” “You…”

They both stopped, trying to let the other talk first. 

It’s been so long now – there were so many things to be said, so many questions to be asked. 

 

“Were you angry at me?”

“No, not at all,” Isa replied, “I… left by my own volition.”

“Why?”

 

Perhaps it was just Ryuuji’s feelings, but those purple eyes seemed tired and desperate. 

 

“It can’t go on like this, Ryuuji,” Isa said, “This… this is wrong.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Ryuuji replied – “I’ll fix it for you.”

“You can’t.”

“Why not?”

Isa had a sad smile drawn on his face – his eyes looked sad, lonely –

It somehow reminded Ryuuji of the first time they had met. 

 

“It’s me, Ryuuji. 

“I’m broken inside. I’ll never be of any good to you.”

 

Isa immediately noticed that Ryuuji’s eyes darkened –

Why?

Which one is it this time – sadness, disappointment, anger? 

 

“I don’t understand.”

“You don’t have to.”

 

Ryuuji held Isa’s hand, his gaze burning into Isa’s face – Isa tried to look away, but found himself unable to. 

“Please.”

There was a certain gentleness in his voice Isa had never heard before –

Ryuuji’s eyes looked sad, as if pleading to hear an answer. 

 

“It’s just…”

Isa sighed as he put down his cigarette on the ashtray – there was some of it left, and Isa didn’t quite put it out. 

“You deserve someone better, alright, Ryuuji?” Isa said – “Forget about me. I’m sure there are others you can – ”

“Isa, you’re already perfect for me.”

 

“...that’s a lie.”

Isa finally pried his eyes away from Ryuuji’s, and stood up. 

“If this all sounds really strange to you, I’m sorry,” he said, “I don’t want to do this either, but…

“I think it’s best for us to try to forget each other from now on.”

That said, Isa rushed to the door, and ran out –

The door swung to a close and slammed shut. 

~•~

“Isa!”

Ryuuji ran down the streets, looking around, trying to find Isa.

The street was already pretty empty at this point in the night – there were only a few people walking around, but Isa wasn’t among them.

As if he vanished into the darkness in those few seconds Ryuuji lost sight of him. 

 

It hurt. 

Ryuuji couldn’t understand why, but his chest was hurting like never before. 

 

For these past few months, he’d so desperately wanted to see Isa just one more time. 

But he couldn’t accept what Isa had said. 

Isa had done nothing wrong, and yet right now, he was running like the devil was after him. 

 

Perhaps Ryuuji was just afraid that Isa would slip through his grasp –

Like sand, flowing through the gap in his fingers – 

 

Like chasing an ephemeral dream.

~•~

Ryuuji arrived back at his apartment with a heavy heart. 

He tried looking for Isa at the nearest bus station, but he wasn’t there. Isa had probably called a cab and gone home – he sure did that quickly. 

 

The air around him felt  

Oh, how he missed Isa. How he missed those beautiful purple eyes, how he missed Isa’s alluring smile. 

The thought that he might not see Isa again was almost too much to bear, too horrifying. 


	6. Chapter 6

“What’s wrong with you today?”

“...it’s nothing.”

Isa took the bottle of gin and was about to pour it into a glass, but a hand had stopped him. The nails were painted in black and gold, and there were glitter and small jewels stuck all over them. 

“Let me drink, Tohri.”

“Look now, I’ve known you for almost ten years now,” Tohri said with a sigh, “Something must be up if you’re drinking half a bottle of gin in like, an hour.”

“Of course something is up. Why else would I call you?”

“Is this about a man?”

 

Nishikikouji Tohri sighed – he certainly was not expecting something like this when Isa called him two hours ago and asked him to come over. 

“Buy me a tonic while you’re at it. The kind for making cocktails.”

Tohri didn’t buy the tonic water anyway. 

Isa doesn’t call him that often to start with – when he does, it’s usually for parties, or for rather emotional events –

Seems like it’s the latter this time. 

 

When Tohri came over, Isa was lying on his belly on the bed, a glass of gin in one hand and a cigarette in the other. 

His face was sullen, his eyes clouded – Tohri dared guess he had cried for a bit before Tohri’s arrival. It’s not the first time something like this had happened, after all. 

 

“What’s his name?” Tohri asked, “I’m going to kick his dick, prevent any future children.”

“It’s not his fault,” Isa sighed, “It’s… I don’t know.”

Isa sipped some more from his glass as he rolled over. Tohri was rather concerned with the cigarette he was holding – he grabbed an ashtray and placed it next to Isa. 

“Why don’t you tell me what happened first?”

“Fair enough,” Isa replied –

He fell silent after that. 

 

Isa was silent for a while – he just kept smoking and drinking whatever was left in his glass. Whenever he tried to pour himself more gin, Tohri would stop him. 

Tohri still had no idea what the hell had happened, but Isa seemed more sad rather than angry. 

Whatever happened must’ve affected him quite a lot, and probably in a rather unsavory way. 

 

Time seemed to have frozen in place forever until Isa spoke again – 

“...get me another box of cigarettes.”

“No,” Tohri refused, lighting a cigarette for himself, “Not until you tell me what’s up.”

How much time had passed?

Tohri glanced at the clock – about two hours.

“Get me a box, and I’ll talk,” Isa insisted, “Second drawer on the nightstand.”

“Sheesh, needy as always,” Tohri replied – he did get up to the nightstand, as asked. 

 

“...his name is Ryuuji.”

Isa was still lying on his back, a cigarette between his lips. Tohri was sitting on the bed, next to Isa, drinking some gin himself.

“I’m gonna guess you slept with him.”

“Of course.” Isa sighed, “And I’d expected it to stop at that, but it didn’t.”

“You mean?” Tohri asked, “You guys are dating or something?”

 

No, Isa wanted to say, but he also desperately wanted to say yes. 

He’d never felt like this towards anyone but Ryuuji, and yet perhaps Ryuuji had saw him as nothing more than a fuckdoll. 

That’s all he ever was for all other men, after all. One night in bed together, and the next morning, it would be as if none of that had ever happened. 

That’s not the case with Ryuuji.

 

It was his eyes. 

Something in those eyes had drawn him in, caught him so tightly that he couldn’t escape, and now he’s left wanting for more.

I just want to see him one more time, I just want to touch him one more time, I just want him to call me ‘darling’ one more time –

 

“I’ll never be anything to him.

“I… want to beIlieve that he’s different. And he is different. He’s the only one to ever come see me more than once, and after I stopped seeing him for months, he continued to look for me.

“But who am I to him anyways? 

“I’m just “Isa”. I’m just someone he fucks every now and then – nothing more.”

 

“...I think you’re wrong.”

Isa rolled over to look at Tohri – he was looking at Isa, his eyes beaming past the cigarette smoke.

“You’re saying all these things about him, but did you ask him at all?” Tohri asked, “Or is this just something you deduced?

 

“...also, what kind of lame nickname is “Isa”?”

“It’s still better than my real name.”

“Did you ever tell him?”

“Why would I? He’ll just leave, like everyone else did.”

“Not everyone.” Tohri pointed at himself, “Not me, the great Nishikikouji Tohri.”

 

They both fell silent for a while – Isa, preoccupied with smoking, and Tohri, playing with the cigarette in his hands. 

“This is the real problem, isn’t it?

“You hate yourself so much that you don’t believe anyone else can love you.”

 

“I don’t want him to hate me, Tohri. That’s why I’ve been holding back, but –

“I can’t… I can’t stand this anymore. I want to see him so badly.”

 

Tohri gently ran his hand down Isa’s back. 

Isa had buried his face into his pillow, trying to muffle his sobs, but in vain. 

“What will I do if he ends up hating me, Tohri?

“I’d… I’d rather things stay like this. This way, nobody is hurt.”

“Are you kidding me? You’re clearly hurting right now.”

 

As much as Isa hated to admit it, Tohri was right. 

His heart aches like never before –

Screaming, begging.

_ I want to be loved.  _

 

The world felt hazy now, details blurring in and out of focus. 

But the sadness, the pain in his heart, remains. 

 

Isa had unraveled in those moments – but in a matter of minutes, he’d picked up the broken shards of himself and pieced them together, as always. 

He stood in front of the mirror now, staring at the young man –

The young man with tired, clouded purple eyes – the young man with a broken heart. 

“...I’m so broken inside, am I not?

“Will he… love someone as terrible as me?

“Someone as empty, as selfish, as me?”

 

Perhaps love is selfish in that way – hoping that everything would go as you wish, hoping that the world can change at your will. 

Hoping that someone would be willing to love everything that you are, even your worst qualities –

 

Ah, but is it wrong to hope?

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

“Aww, look at you.”

Isa reached out his hand, gingerly touching Ryuuji’s cheek. 

Ryuuji was looking at him – no, glaring at him – his eyes were on fire, furious. 

“Are you angry with me now?” Isa asked, his tone almost mocking – “Are you finally seeing that this has all perhaps been a wild goose chase on your part?”

 

“You say that, and yet here you are, Isa.

“Why?”

 

How curious.

To become completely drawn, infatuated with another person, even without knowing who they truly are – 

Even without knowing how they might love you, or hurt you.

 

“Who knows.”

Isa inhaled from his cigarette slowly, then blew the smoke at Ryuuji’s face –

Ryuuji kept looking at him, his eyes stern, ferocious. 

 

“Why do you keep looking for me, Kawara Ryuuji, even though this all might be useless?

“You can give me a lot of things,” Isa said, “But I can’t give anything back to you. I’m that empty and broken inside, you see.”

 

“You don’t have to.”

Ryuuji took Isa’s hand in his, and held it tightly – as if unwilling to let it go. 

“Just stay with me,” he said, “That’ll be more than enough.”

“Then that’s not very mutual, is it?” Isa asked, “I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“I’ve never thought of you as one, Isa.”

Ryuuji cupped Isa’s cheeks, and quickly pulled him into a kiss. 

 

It’s been so long now since they kissed – Isa couldn’t help but be surprised at how tender, how warm Ryuuji was. 

Ryuuji kissed him slowly, not aggressive like he usually is. He licked around Isa’s lips, prompting him to open his mouth – so Isa did, letting Ryuuji’s tongue in his mouth. 

He could feel Ryuuji’s hand crept up his back, pulling him closer – his touches were electric, making Isa’s nerves spark in excitement.

 

“I’ve thought about many things, Ryuuji.”

Isa rested his head on Ryuuji’s chest, snuggling comfortably closer to him.

“And?”

“Are you sure about this?” Isa asked, “I mean… 

“What if I end up hurting you really badly?”

“Even then, that’s alright,” Ryuuji replied, petting Isa’s hair – “You are my precious darling after all.”

 

Perhaps, just for this one time…

It’ll be alright.

 

“...do you still want to know my name, Ryuuji?”

“Why not,” Ryuuji replied, “If you want to tell me, that is – but if you don’t want to, it’s alright.”

“You say that, but you always whine that you don’t know anything about me.”

Ryuuji chuckled lightly at this remark – 

“Well, sorry about that,” he said, “But whether or not you choose to tell me, you will still be my darling.”

“The only reason I don’t tell my name that easily is because it tends to scare people away,” Isa said with a sigh – 

 

But perhaps it will be alright this time.

Ryuuji is different, after all. 

 

“You mean?”

“Literally what I said,” Isa replied. “People leave once they know who I really am.

“Promise you won’t do that to me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (is that it, chicken) perhaps  
> this can lead to many other stories so maybeeeeeee


End file.
